This article will discuss death, suicide and similar themes.
My friend recently got his full benefits awarded to him just two days after his DWP assessment phone call. And I’m happy for him. Of course I’m happy for him. But I won’t lie, while I stare down the barrel of 14 months of fighting the DWP for my own benefits, it is a stark reminder of how broken this system is.
In an ideal world, the fact that my doctor has diagnosed me with the Fibromyalgia that makes it near impossible to get out of bed would be enough for the government and the benefits system to agree that I can’t work and deserve an amount of money I can live off.
But we don’t live in an ideal world. We live in a world where my health and my life gets grilled by DWP ‘professionals’. Where they ask me questions about when I last self harmed, what I use, where I hurt myself, how often I think about killing myself. Then move onto the next question about my showering routine without letting me finish crying. And of course they forget to mention my answers in their report.
I could detail every single time the DWP has caused me problems over the last 14 months and how it’s damaged my mental health, but I think that might pass from article to dissertation length. But it was bad enough that I put it an official complaint, got an official apology and a one off payment as monetary apology for the ‘mental anguish’.
And no, I still don’t actually have the benefits I’m entitled to.
I’m beyond tired of fighting. I left university and my job because I was on the brink of breakdown and knew if I continued I’d end up dead. I desperately needed medical help- help that I’m still fighting for.
But it feels like this path has taken me the same way, just more drawn out. The NHS waiting lists for specialists, the pandemic, the DWP fighting me at every turn… It makes me laugh how I thought this would be resolved within a couple months.
And I’m so scared I’m not going to make it.
We’ve all seen the headlines. The same week I got the apology payment from the DWP, a woman killed herself because of the way the DWP treated her.
People starve to death. They freeze to death. They kill themselves.
Recently we had Disability Day of Mourning where the names of disabled people who were killed by their partner, caregiver or family member were read out.
I wonder what a list of the disabled and mentally ill people dead because of the DWP would look like.
Despite what I said, the system isn’t actually broken. Really, it’s working exactly how they set it up to work. They want to protect the money, not us.
We’re alone until we become those headlines.
I live alone. I don’t have a romantic partner. I don’t have family members who can afford to financially support me or be my carer. I live in my wee council flat and have a bad habit of turning down the heating and pulling on a jumper instead. I don’t have a working TV. I don’t have broadband, just a WiFi hotspot that a charity paid for me for a year. Don’t ask me when my last shower was. It’ll cost me over £100 for just three accessibility items for my flat. Triple that to try and get a private healthcare appointment to try and navigate waiting times.
I’m stressed about money and the DWP pretty much every minute I’m awake.
If I take the bins out after two weeks of them piling up I’m worried they’re spying on me. When a friend sends me money on PayPal so I can get a McDonald’s I wonder if they’re monitoring my account. If I have a good day and manage to walk to the corner shop for butter I wonder if one of my neighbours will be questioned on how often I do that. I wonder if my ex partner will try and report me as a faker as another form of abuse.
I wonder if I’d stayed at work and then killed myself, people would have more sympathy.
I wonder if I’ll make it. If I’ll ever see the other side. If I’ll get that brown envelope that brings me good news for once. I wonder what it will be like to survive this.
I wonder if I’m just destined to be another headline of another benefits claimant who died.
Maybe then they’ll finally take me seriously.
That One Weird Cripple 